Between Notes and Thoughts On Words

Consider this one a two-parter.... We'll get the "business" out of the way first.

PART 1

  It's Bryan's last day on contract on Friday. Therefor, he goes back to Hamilton. There will no longer be any sleeping presence in our living room that I skulk around and knock into things whilst trying to go about my midnight smoke breaks in a quiet fashion. Kind of a shame. In fact, we'll all be moving on soon. Only one month left living in this house. It's a sad time indeed. We've built a little family here at the Glenhaven house. And I firmly believe more in the family that you choose for yourself than the one you were born into. We construct our families as we get older. By choice. By common belief. By love. I will deeply miss our family dinners here. I hope we can still get together and do them once a month, like a book club kind of deal. Speaking of, I should really join a book club.

  My clusterfuck of a schedule got in the way today. A student asked me if I wanted to come see his school's musical next week. He did the choreography and he's proud of what he's done. I'd love to go support him, but I work every single night that the show is on and will unfortunately have to miss it. As the words came out of my mouth I could see his once happy face morph into abject disappointment. He looked like a kicked puppy. I wanted so badly to be able to take it back and say I would be there to support him. But I can't. Sometimes I wish my life allowed for a little more wiggle room. I'll have to find a way to make it up to him somehow. It seems my existence is bent on making it up to people when I can't be there because of work.

  I went to hot yoga this morning. I can't help it, hot yoga always makes me think of sex and sexual energy. Don't ask me why, because I can't explain it. It's a fleeting thought, leaves as soon as it alights in my brain, but it always pops up during a hot yoga class. Weird. Maybe it's all the sweat and open legs...? Regardless, it was a great class. I'm not sure why I haven't been in so long. I miss yoga. I wish every single day started with yoga class.

   Oh, I have a date on Saturday night. Oh yes I found time. Intriguing man, but I truly believe that if someone is interested they should just tell you because I cannot read the innuendos. Just in case you might ever date me, you should know this.

LAST BIT OF BUSINESS, which I realize I should have done first. NEW VID FROM CLASS! It's been a long time since I put up a new video, figured I was overdue. This was a special combo for me. Also a special class since Jolene stayed to take it. View it here. COMMENTS GREATLY APPRECIATED!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lVZoPD2ZRY


PART 2

Thoughts on words...


      I don't believe in words. I can't see them. They are not tangible. They hold no substance. In a society where we can say anything we want and never have to back it up, actions are all that count. It is often too easy to simply say it, but a whole different world to mean it, and follow through. I want to be someone who follows through. Who can have conviction in what I impart to others. To show up. Physically and emotionally and be present. Not just verbally. But fully present. I think that's all we can ask for from this life. To be present and accountable, a person with merit and weight. I'm trying to measure my words now so that I can balance the scale with action later. Tedious perhaps, but a necessity. I feel a responsibility and a gravity (even urgency) in everything I do now. I am weighted. I speak only to be spoken to and divide nothing in my heart. I am, for once, whole.

Things I'm Loving Right Now

1. Good books.

 I've been spending gross amounts of time reading these days. I bought a whole slew of books from the Book Market last week and have been barreling my way through them like reading is about to be outlawed. I love the Book Market. One of my favourite stores, hands down. Biographies, fiction, non-fiction, historical, mythological, every type of book under the sun and all at DIRT CHEAP PRICES. How can you go wrong? Books you must read- The Glass Castle-Jeannette Walls and Unbearable Lightness-Portia de Rossi. Can't go wrong with either. They will move you.

2. Great friends and Earth Hour

 We at the Glenhaven House rung in Earth Hour in style this year. We way over-celebrated too. We sat around the living room with nothing but candle light, nothing plugged in at all, for 3 hours. We go all out. Friends came and went as schedules permitted, but the candle light glowed. Conversation and laughter was plentiful. How can you go wrong?

3. New Tattoos

 Got a new tattoo on Saturday. "and so she danced..." from the poem. It's been a long time since I got a tattoo, it seemed appropriate at this stage in my life. Problem is, now I really want another one. Though I suppose that's not really a problem! It's healing wonderfully thus far, no complaints here. Plus I got to go to the shop and see old friends and meet some new ones. Comin up aces.

4. Emily Browning

  I'm digging her song off the SuckerPunch soundtrack, Asleep. She's got such a haunting voice, melodic and stirring. I highly recommend you check it out. Unfortunately she only has about three songs available. Not enough Emily. We want more.

5. Great Rehearsals

 Competition is coming along. I had a slew of great rehearsals yesterday. Those kids work so damn hard for me and are pulling it out. It's crunch time now, comp is in t-minus 5 weeks. HOLY SHIT. And the entire season is over in 10 weeks. Where did this entire year go? I have no idea. Certainly I seem to have been present only in the studio to witness most of it. Interesting. I need to work on that I think . Anyways, things are mostly ready for competition, just a few odds and ends left to pick up and clean up. It will all get done. There is no other option.

Staying Alive

     My entire life has been spent in class. Taking class, teaching class, observing class, wishing I was in class, even skipping class in youthful defiance. And this endless cycle of class can become tedious. Routine, to a certain extent. But then there are some that come along that change you. Classes that you will remember for the rest of your life. My daily classes now seem to be a blended montage in my memory, but there are a few that stick out and will remain firmly entrenched in my heart as the Best Moments Of My Life. Classes that change you not only as a dancer, or a teacher, but as a Human Being.  I took one such class today.

   I've been extremely lucky in my dance career to have taken class from some prolific teachers such as Mia Michaels, Wade Robson, Tiffany Mclean, Evelyn Hart, Suzie Taylor, Brian Foley and more. I add another name to that list today. Benoit-Swan Pouffer-Artistic Director of Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet. His approach resonated within me. My Head and Heart and Soul felt filled in a way that I haven't felt in some time. His theories on movement and emphasis on the feel made so much sense to my body. His constant direction to "stay ALIVE" gave me the freedom to add my touch to his work. He ended his class with a series of slow walks forward and backwards. Just walking. Simple movement, to heartbreaking strings of music that echoed in the room. I had tears on my lashes and forgave myself for every mistake I had every made. Every blunder in class/rehearsal came to the front of my mind and I let it go. Finally. I was free. At last released from all the guilt and worry I had harbored over the long years. I left feeling spent, restored, sweaty as a beast and deliriously happy. Tomorrow, I will be sore. Sore and happy. Stronger. Looking forward, not behind. And excusing the obvious pun... "Staying Alive"

All I could say was "You're Welcome"

 CRAZY week! It all culminated yesterday with our two performances. Both went really well and were received warmly, regardless of snafus, like really small stages. A few minor (or major) revisions and off we went. It worked out, somehow. It always seems to even though it's impossible to see how sometimes. We were surrounded by so much love yesterday. First, performing at a wedding, such a lovely event. The bride was glowing, the guests were beautiful, the flowers placed JUST SO. Hell, even we were wearing white. And then later that night we performed at a stag and doe/ charity event. Such a great couple. And an amazing night of dance. We were not the only performers and each of them blew my mind. Particularly, the two beatboxers. I mean.. HOW THE FUCK DO THEY DO THAT?!?! We were all watching and all you could hear escape our lips were random interjections of "WHAAAAT?!" Just so unreal. The talent in that room was overwhelming. What a wicked atmosphere to spend a Saturday night in!

Here's the funny thing though. I never remember performances. I really couldn't tell you what happened during them. I have absolutely no recollection of those 4 minutes. And I have no recollection of any of my performances. No clue what my facial expression looked like. If my arms were hitting the correct counts. If I messed up (though major blunders I do recall). But literally, it all seems like a haze to me that never happened. And yet I remember in crystal clarity every moment of studio time. I'm not one of those people who needs performing. I love it, and it's fun, but it feels surreal to me. Always. I live for the studio. There's such a difference between what I do there and what I do onstage. I feel like my success in the studio and all the breakthroughs, and hours spent perfecting each moment are the antidote to the dreamlike quality that performances take on. I always feel disappointed by what I've done on stage. If only performance could take place in the studio. 

After we finished our performance though, we let loose rock star style. Dance circles, drinks and even the occasional, if regrettable, fist pump. Snooki was in evidence that evening all around us. Somehow, I didn't mind. It's been a long time since I kind of shirked responsibility that way. It was great. To just forget time for a while and have some fun. Did I actually forget how much FUN IT IS? I guess I had. 

I received such a special surprise in rehearsal today. Working with one of my solos, a very emotional one, we had spent the entire rehearsal breaking apart and reconstructing each moment in accordance to the story we wanted to tell. At the end, my student comes up to me and gives me a hug and says nothing more than "Thank you". For what, I'm not sure. At moments like this I feel like I should be the one giving thanks. Thanks for this amazing opportunity to do what I love. For working with students who take my approach and run with it. For all the amazing people and experiences I've gathered through this art. So... thanks to me are not really necessary. But all I could say was "You're welcome"

Balancing Act

I've been thinking a lot about balance lately. Mainly, balancing one's work and one's life and managing to have a bit of both. I'm not good at it. Actually, that's a major understatement. I'm horrible at it. I have no balance whatsoever. I haven't yet figured out how to manage having a life and keeping up with the work that I love. And yet, I'm actually ok with constantly living in extremes. It's what I'm comfortable with. What I do best most of the time.

That being said I do neglect my friends. Luckily I've surrounded myself with people who are really there when I need them. When I need that friend coffee just to remind me who I am. I had one of those such coffee's this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Set me up for the day just right. Brought me back to that place where I can be confident in myself and what I do. I can stand behind that and stand up for it. MUCH LOVE.

Today was filled with all kinds of dance love. I had a solo rehearsal and she did a run through that was so beautiful I literally had tears in my eyes. It makes my heart ache with such joy when a student brings me to tears. It's rare. But so joyous. To see them living in the moment makes my job so worthwhile.

Two performances tomorrow and there's the pre-performance anxiety creeping up on me again. Time to work this bitch out. It's going to be a great one, and I'm looking forward to it. I just kind of want it to be here already. Seems like we've been doing nothing but rehearsing and thinking about these pieces all week. Which, I guess, we have. Time to let them see the light of day.

"You're actually just insane...."

That was perhaps the most hilarious response I get from a fellow dancer about my schedule for the day. Teach, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, teach, teach, rehearse, rehearse. Tomorrow is sure to be a long day as well. Report, teach, perform, perform. Maybe followed by a collapse. My body is certainly feeling the effects of teaching that many hours that many days straight. And working 13 hour days in general. I'm using A535 like it's a lifestyle. Which, in a way, I guess it is. One of these days I will book an hour full body massage. Oh sweet baby jesus, it makes me feel better just to think it.

I'm currently procrastinating finishing getting ready to meet a friend for coffee. My body really just hurts that much, but it's been a while since I've seen Carlyn and we have so much to catch up on. Mornings like this were made for friend coffee dates. Especially when that coffee is Starbucks. I'm horribly addicted, get used to it. Continuing with the massive overcaffination for yet another day. Probably until at least Monday. I'll keep you posted on that. Since I know it's of dire interest how much caffeine I really consume.

Performance tomorrow! I'm looking forward to it. I like the culmination of a piece. To finally get it on the stage just makes me happy.

Dreaming In Revelry

It always seemed so simple. Almost too simple, really. Such a clear, defined path to follow. Create the work. Set the work. Rehearse the work. Show the work. Repeat as necessary. But now there are so many other things to think about and accomplish. Promote the work. Find new places to show the work. Network to get your work seen. It's a learning curve to take my life outside of the studio. I haven't previously thrown my work out into the world in a setting where dance wasn't the main draw. It's been interesting and ultimately, the response thus far has been encouraging. Enough so that I'll keep doing it. There are a lot more opportunities out there than I previously thought. The possibilities are endless.

This week has been particularly grueling for the simple fact that my body isn't used to this amount of dancing. And hard dancing. Rehearsals for our performance have been going well. Got one tonight and one tomorrow night, our final two rehearsals before show and tell time. It's always such a madcap rush at the end, but it's the adrenaline that makes this shit worthwhile. All the times spent in the studio, it's the anecdote to the anxiety of a piece hitting the stage.

I've been so over-caffeinated these days. Been guzzling more pepsi than anyone has the right to. I'm sure it's doing awful things to my body, and I'm peeing every ten minutes, but oh it's so good. I don't even really feel the effects of caffeine anymore. I know I've gotta stop, but not yet... please not yet IT'S KEEPING ME GOING!

Reminder that there will be no drop in Int/Adv Jazz this Friday. We'll start back March 4th and WERK!