It's Been Comin For Some Time

A few things I'm loving right now..

-oldies music. Classics like nobodies business. Must. Buy. Record player.
-Blond hair. It's new and I'm not used to it yet but I like it
-Choreo almost being completely finished. Pretty exciting to be able to get into the nitty gritty details of cleaning and making it amazing. Couple more weeks and it should be all completed.
-Exciting projects. More on that, details to come but needless to say I'm stoked and when it comes out man it's going to be something else.

There Was Little We Could Do To Stop The Ice

There is nothing like the first snowfall of the year. It's always struck me as the most magical day of the year for as long as I can remember. So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I woke up this morning to this.

Sincerely, the best morning view I've had since, well, the last first snow of the year. And so by default, today must be a great day. It just can't go any other way. Not with me in this incredible mood. And so it shall be a great day. I have rehearsal first. I get to create in the studio with Luke. It's a new experience as I'm going in to this one without everything prepared and choreographed beforehand. We're playing with discovering movement on the spot and in the moment. We're getting some really great, interesting and certainly unexpected stuff. It's a new experience doing choreography in the moment for me. I usually come in hyper-prepared, as if the world will fall apart and nothing will get done if I don't have the whole thing mapped out from starting pose to ending pose. I am learning that's not the case. The world will keep on spinning and sometimes I might surprise myself in the process.

And that's what it is. A process. I'm still evolving in my process and I find it changes a little more every year. In some ways. But some things will never change I'm finding. Like how I do 90% of my choreography lying down in bed, listening to my Ipod in the dark and 3 in the morning. And those are the things I'm not sure I should change. I'm not sure how much the boyfriend appreciates my 3am replaying of not only a song, but 30 seconds of the same song, but he doesn't complain about it too much. But I am a lot more open to change now. To going in and changing my own work, and being more objective. Knowing when something just won't work and having the courage to take it in a different direction when it doesn't. Ever- evolving.

After rehearsal today I have the customary daily paperwork and such and such, (email overload people) then class and tonight I'm subbing inter/adv jazz so come on out!

Occupy and Other Strange Things

The Occupy movement doesn't make sense to me. I understand what they're protesting against and agree with them. Yes there are many inequalities. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. But when I was reading up on it many of the people in Occupy Ottawa sound rather like... communists. Really that's exactly what they're describing. I think Occupy needs to sit down and figure out not only what they want, but HOW THEY WANT THE CHANGE TO HAPPEN. We all know that these are problems, but unless you come up with a concise solution and what exactly you would like to change, nothing is going to get done. No one can work off such inane suggestions as "we want you to fix the inequality". Well great. But how?

...Reveal themselves one star at a time...

 I must apologize. My absence from here as been much too long. An entire summer long at that. But things have been busy. Very busy. And becoming more so. It's been an amazing past few months and ones I will always treasure. Truly some of the happiest of my life. I completed my second year of ADAPT training (only one more to go!) taught some amazing classes (and took some) assisted the wonderful Tiffany Mclean and fell in love. Quite a stellar cast of characters. Then September rolled around, as it always does too soon. And it was back to WORK, back to real life, back to all the things I love.

  Competition season is in full swing once again. 5 out of 8 solos done, all unique and vital in their own way. Groups taking shape, ideas solidifying into reality. There's little I love more than the beginning of a piece, when it's still just an ephemeral substance in your head. Before it becomes tangible reality and there's still nothing but pure and distinct possibility. The hum in the air at the start of rehearsal. Joyous.


 I'm in the middle of choreography for a benefit concert/talent show happening at the end of November. It's going to be a blast and the ladies I'm working with (though not actually dancers) are willing, intelligent, and oh so much damn fun. And it's all for a great cause, so I would like to take a moment to applaud their excellent community service and sheer balls for getting up on the stage and shaking what their mama may (or may not) have given them.


I am, quite literally, in the middle of shooting a music video for Brandi Disterheft. A Juno winner and Grammy nominee, Brandi is just the sweetest little, giant bass playing chick I've met. Shooting finishes tomorrow, thus far it's been an experience worth remembering. But that's another blog.

This Year, All But Disappeared.

And so a season ends. Recital was great. It's always so exciting to see the kids show off all the skills they learned in the past season. And an emotional one this year at that. Our first grads. Such amazing students and young adults, now going out into this harsh world to fend for themselves. It's hard trusting that they're ready for it. That they're going to be able to know when to be bold and when to hold back and protect themselves. To know that they will inevitably fall down and make mistakes and get their hearts broken. But eventually you have to let them stand on their own. I hope they keep in touch.

After recital I did something I never do.... NOTHING. I actually for the first time in years took the time to take a deliberate rest. A deliberate break away from what I do. I spent time with my friends. More time in the last 2 weeks with them than I had spent this entire year combined. I went to bbqs and hockey games and sat on my porch people watching for hours on end. It was really great and I needed it. I'm now coming back to work refreshed and ready. Bursting with energy. I'm trying this new balance thing and maybe sometimes I think it's working. We'll see how that continues.

So In Love With the Wrong World...

Time to play some catch up. It's been a hectic fucking month. Back to back competitions, moving day, teaching regular classes, recital prep... Time is not something I have in large supply. That being said, the summer is gearing up to be something special. I'm not going to give away all the details yet, suffice to say there is big shit ahead. In the good way. I can tell you some things though.

-Competitive summer program! 10 weeks, for not only our regular comp students, but also we have a BRAND NEW JUNIOR SUMMER PROGRAM. Jazz and ballet, for the wee ones. They are the future after all and these students are so very talented. So much to do with them!.

-Summer camps July 11-29, three different weeks you can attend. My teaching will be sporadic (few days a week at each camp) as I am....

-In Toronto for my 2nd year ADAPT training from July 13-20 (I will be back for classes the evening of the 20th so don't fear). And then I am....

-In NEW YORK FUCKING CITY for the Dance Teacher Summit!!! From July 29-31 I will be doing nothing but taking class with the best faculty in the world, attending seminars, buying too much from vendors, and watching the ACE awards. Consider me a lucky and stoked girl.

On top of all this, I am looking forward to teaching my regular drop in classes (check the website for full schedule, let you know which ones I'm teaching when I do). I'm also getting my own training kicked up a notch, taking some private lessons, actually having the time to work on myself a little bit, which I'm really looking forward to. It's going to be great to focus on my own stuff for a while. I'm realizing that sometimes you need to take a step back and take care of yourself. I can't neglect that any longer. It's starting to wear me down just a little bit. So  I won't anymore. There are too many people willing to help me get where I want to be and too many who believe in what I do to not, you know, do it.

Feel the Fire Burning

   3 days until competition! More rhinestones, more sewing, last minute disasters and triumphs. I'm really looking forward to it all. It's going to be interesting and extremely nerve-wracking to see if my risks pay off. Fingers and toes are crossed.

   I never thought that it could be so simple. That all I would have to do is ask to have someone say sure, no problem, I can help you. I can point you to the right people. I'm breathless to see where this might take me. Could be anywhere. I can't wait to find out.

Ok Repeat After Me... I'm Gonna Be Free.....

Just came across this song... and died a happy death. I needed to hear this so I pass along the lyrics to you.

If you really love me, then let's make a vow
Right here together, right now
Ok? ok
Alright, repeat after me
I'm gonna be free
And I'm gonna be brave
Good?
I'm gonna live each day as if it were my last
Oh that's good. You like that? Yeah, Say it
Fantastically,
Courageously,
With Grace
And in the dark of the night,
and it does get dark
When I call a name it'll be your name
Whats your name?
Never mind, let's go, say it, let's go
Everywhere, even though, we're scared
Cause it's life and it's happening
It's really really happening
Right Now


I have found myself surrounded by some of the greatest people during these last few days of devestation and adversity. People rally behind me. They believe  in me. And I have finally learned the fine art of finding a phoenix to rise from the ashes. God forbid one shine so bright. There is always more opportunity. And I'm ready to take it. Because it's there. It's ready for me if I'm ready to walk through the door. And I am. And I will. With Grace.

Thanks?

If I EVER get sandbagged like that again....

To Do?

This is what my to do list looks like.....

1- Finish/hand in rest of my work for Adapt (update- just did this)
2- Finish headpiece for solo costume. Time to plug in that glue gun
3-Go to bank
4-Get boxes and packing tape
5-Pack my life into said boxes
6-Class plans for while I'm away at competition
7-Teach, teach, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse
8-Sew elastics onto costume prop
9-Sleep?? Should I bother trying to put that on here??

Um... I think that's everything. I fervently hope that's everything because if I forgot something it will clearly not ever get done. Which would be bad because Everything Needs to Get Done. I feel better for simply having written that stuff down though.

And now, time for AN APPEAL TO THE VOTING MASSES! Now, I am well aware that my generation is apathetic about voting. You feel your vote won't change anything. Or you're ill informed about politics and don't know who to vote for. Well, I'm here to help. Your vote DOES MATTER. If you're not happy with the current state of things, there's a lot you can do to show your unhappiness besides not voting. Because what happens when we don't vote? The government that gets in power is not a true representation of what the country wants. So here's what you can do. Get yourself informed. Here are links to every party's website. Read their platform. See where you stand. Or go to CBC Vote Compass which asks a series of questions about where you stand on certain issues and flat out tells you which party you most align with.

www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canadavotes2011/votecompasswww.conservative.ca
www.liberal.ca
www.ndp.ca
www.blocquebecois.org
www.greenparty.ca

A few more things before I wrap this up. If you're still unsure of who you want to vote for, or don't care to take the time to get informed, there is one more thing you can do instead of not voting. DISCOUNT YOUR BALLOT!. Go, vote, and check off more than one party. Vote for every single person on that ballot. That renders it useless, but you've shown up so you can be counted as having voted. That sends a much clearer message to the powers that be in Canada than simply not showing up. It's time to stop being apathetic about the state of our country. Because let's face it. This generation is no longer the future. We're having kids. Getting married. We have jobs. We buy houses. We pay taxes. Our kids are now the future. Which makes us the present. And makes us accountable and responsible in a way that we weren't when we thought of ourselves as the future generation. Time to be in the present. VOTE!  One more thing.... May 2nd not convenient for you to vote? It isn't for me either. Go to www.elections.ca to find out where to vote, how to vote, and when your advance polls are. It's time for change Canada and it starts with us.

This State of Emergency

They say April showers bring May flowers. In my world it's more like April showers bring COMPETITION SEASON. I'm currently gearing up for stage rehearsal and all things comp. This includes the tedious tasks of tweaking music cuts, making cds of said tweaked music, creating makeup face charts, compiling lists of the cosmetics needed to do what is on said face chart, rhinestoning (endless stoning, only to be done in the company of fellow teachers with copious amounts of wine), make up trials for those pieces that require over and above the usual, still more rehearsals and regular classes, worrying about costumes that won't be finished on time... The list of "things to fucking do" is endless. And there will always be more to do, some last lurking task that remains hidden until it's "HOLY FUCK WE FORGOT TO DO THIS WE HAVE TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!'

  We have stage rehearsal on Saturday and stage rehearsal always fills me with excitement and dread in equal measure. Excitement since it's all coming together and it gives me a chance to see my work from a distance and get an idea of what it's actually going to look like. Dread because spacing is always a disaster and dancing in costumes for the first time can be tricky. Particularly my group that actually uses their skirts... it will be their first time doing so. I get the distinct feeling it's going to be scary. But then again we have another two weeks after that to do even more rehearsal. It will be ok. Yes that is the sound of me trying to convince myself more than anyone.

  On Monday there was a freak power outage at the studio. After calming the kids down, we had a lovely time dancing in the pitch black studio, with nothing but cell phone and candle light. It was very earth hour of us. When the power came back on however, so did the heat.... in full force. And they are unable to shut it off. So the studio is like a steam bath. Akin to dancing in a sauna. I'm now sweating by the time my warm up has hit  "and stretch forward...". Keep in mind I'm about 8 counts into the warm up at this point. But sweating is good for us. There are definitely no toxins left in my body. I don't see how there could be.

Between Notes and Thoughts On Words

Consider this one a two-parter.... We'll get the "business" out of the way first.

PART 1

  It's Bryan's last day on contract on Friday. Therefor, he goes back to Hamilton. There will no longer be any sleeping presence in our living room that I skulk around and knock into things whilst trying to go about my midnight smoke breaks in a quiet fashion. Kind of a shame. In fact, we'll all be moving on soon. Only one month left living in this house. It's a sad time indeed. We've built a little family here at the Glenhaven house. And I firmly believe more in the family that you choose for yourself than the one you were born into. We construct our families as we get older. By choice. By common belief. By love. I will deeply miss our family dinners here. I hope we can still get together and do them once a month, like a book club kind of deal. Speaking of, I should really join a book club.

  My clusterfuck of a schedule got in the way today. A student asked me if I wanted to come see his school's musical next week. He did the choreography and he's proud of what he's done. I'd love to go support him, but I work every single night that the show is on and will unfortunately have to miss it. As the words came out of my mouth I could see his once happy face morph into abject disappointment. He looked like a kicked puppy. I wanted so badly to be able to take it back and say I would be there to support him. But I can't. Sometimes I wish my life allowed for a little more wiggle room. I'll have to find a way to make it up to him somehow. It seems my existence is bent on making it up to people when I can't be there because of work.

  I went to hot yoga this morning. I can't help it, hot yoga always makes me think of sex and sexual energy. Don't ask me why, because I can't explain it. It's a fleeting thought, leaves as soon as it alights in my brain, but it always pops up during a hot yoga class. Weird. Maybe it's all the sweat and open legs...? Regardless, it was a great class. I'm not sure why I haven't been in so long. I miss yoga. I wish every single day started with yoga class.

   Oh, I have a date on Saturday night. Oh yes I found time. Intriguing man, but I truly believe that if someone is interested they should just tell you because I cannot read the innuendos. Just in case you might ever date me, you should know this.

LAST BIT OF BUSINESS, which I realize I should have done first. NEW VID FROM CLASS! It's been a long time since I put up a new video, figured I was overdue. This was a special combo for me. Also a special class since Jolene stayed to take it. View it here. COMMENTS GREATLY APPRECIATED!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lVZoPD2ZRY


PART 2

Thoughts on words...


      I don't believe in words. I can't see them. They are not tangible. They hold no substance. In a society where we can say anything we want and never have to back it up, actions are all that count. It is often too easy to simply say it, but a whole different world to mean it, and follow through. I want to be someone who follows through. Who can have conviction in what I impart to others. To show up. Physically and emotionally and be present. Not just verbally. But fully present. I think that's all we can ask for from this life. To be present and accountable, a person with merit and weight. I'm trying to measure my words now so that I can balance the scale with action later. Tedious perhaps, but a necessity. I feel a responsibility and a gravity (even urgency) in everything I do now. I am weighted. I speak only to be spoken to and divide nothing in my heart. I am, for once, whole.

Things I'm Loving Right Now

1. Good books.

 I've been spending gross amounts of time reading these days. I bought a whole slew of books from the Book Market last week and have been barreling my way through them like reading is about to be outlawed. I love the Book Market. One of my favourite stores, hands down. Biographies, fiction, non-fiction, historical, mythological, every type of book under the sun and all at DIRT CHEAP PRICES. How can you go wrong? Books you must read- The Glass Castle-Jeannette Walls and Unbearable Lightness-Portia de Rossi. Can't go wrong with either. They will move you.

2. Great friends and Earth Hour

 We at the Glenhaven House rung in Earth Hour in style this year. We way over-celebrated too. We sat around the living room with nothing but candle light, nothing plugged in at all, for 3 hours. We go all out. Friends came and went as schedules permitted, but the candle light glowed. Conversation and laughter was plentiful. How can you go wrong?

3. New Tattoos

 Got a new tattoo on Saturday. "and so she danced..." from the poem. It's been a long time since I got a tattoo, it seemed appropriate at this stage in my life. Problem is, now I really want another one. Though I suppose that's not really a problem! It's healing wonderfully thus far, no complaints here. Plus I got to go to the shop and see old friends and meet some new ones. Comin up aces.

4. Emily Browning

  I'm digging her song off the SuckerPunch soundtrack, Asleep. She's got such a haunting voice, melodic and stirring. I highly recommend you check it out. Unfortunately she only has about three songs available. Not enough Emily. We want more.

5. Great Rehearsals

 Competition is coming along. I had a slew of great rehearsals yesterday. Those kids work so damn hard for me and are pulling it out. It's crunch time now, comp is in t-minus 5 weeks. HOLY SHIT. And the entire season is over in 10 weeks. Where did this entire year go? I have no idea. Certainly I seem to have been present only in the studio to witness most of it. Interesting. I need to work on that I think . Anyways, things are mostly ready for competition, just a few odds and ends left to pick up and clean up. It will all get done. There is no other option.

Staying Alive

     My entire life has been spent in class. Taking class, teaching class, observing class, wishing I was in class, even skipping class in youthful defiance. And this endless cycle of class can become tedious. Routine, to a certain extent. But then there are some that come along that change you. Classes that you will remember for the rest of your life. My daily classes now seem to be a blended montage in my memory, but there are a few that stick out and will remain firmly entrenched in my heart as the Best Moments Of My Life. Classes that change you not only as a dancer, or a teacher, but as a Human Being.  I took one such class today.

   I've been extremely lucky in my dance career to have taken class from some prolific teachers such as Mia Michaels, Wade Robson, Tiffany Mclean, Evelyn Hart, Suzie Taylor, Brian Foley and more. I add another name to that list today. Benoit-Swan Pouffer-Artistic Director of Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet. His approach resonated within me. My Head and Heart and Soul felt filled in a way that I haven't felt in some time. His theories on movement and emphasis on the feel made so much sense to my body. His constant direction to "stay ALIVE" gave me the freedom to add my touch to his work. He ended his class with a series of slow walks forward and backwards. Just walking. Simple movement, to heartbreaking strings of music that echoed in the room. I had tears on my lashes and forgave myself for every mistake I had every made. Every blunder in class/rehearsal came to the front of my mind and I let it go. Finally. I was free. At last released from all the guilt and worry I had harbored over the long years. I left feeling spent, restored, sweaty as a beast and deliriously happy. Tomorrow, I will be sore. Sore and happy. Stronger. Looking forward, not behind. And excusing the obvious pun... "Staying Alive"

All I could say was "You're Welcome"

 CRAZY week! It all culminated yesterday with our two performances. Both went really well and were received warmly, regardless of snafus, like really small stages. A few minor (or major) revisions and off we went. It worked out, somehow. It always seems to even though it's impossible to see how sometimes. We were surrounded by so much love yesterday. First, performing at a wedding, such a lovely event. The bride was glowing, the guests were beautiful, the flowers placed JUST SO. Hell, even we were wearing white. And then later that night we performed at a stag and doe/ charity event. Such a great couple. And an amazing night of dance. We were not the only performers and each of them blew my mind. Particularly, the two beatboxers. I mean.. HOW THE FUCK DO THEY DO THAT?!?! We were all watching and all you could hear escape our lips were random interjections of "WHAAAAT?!" Just so unreal. The talent in that room was overwhelming. What a wicked atmosphere to spend a Saturday night in!

Here's the funny thing though. I never remember performances. I really couldn't tell you what happened during them. I have absolutely no recollection of those 4 minutes. And I have no recollection of any of my performances. No clue what my facial expression looked like. If my arms were hitting the correct counts. If I messed up (though major blunders I do recall). But literally, it all seems like a haze to me that never happened. And yet I remember in crystal clarity every moment of studio time. I'm not one of those people who needs performing. I love it, and it's fun, but it feels surreal to me. Always. I live for the studio. There's such a difference between what I do there and what I do onstage. I feel like my success in the studio and all the breakthroughs, and hours spent perfecting each moment are the antidote to the dreamlike quality that performances take on. I always feel disappointed by what I've done on stage. If only performance could take place in the studio. 

After we finished our performance though, we let loose rock star style. Dance circles, drinks and even the occasional, if regrettable, fist pump. Snooki was in evidence that evening all around us. Somehow, I didn't mind. It's been a long time since I kind of shirked responsibility that way. It was great. To just forget time for a while and have some fun. Did I actually forget how much FUN IT IS? I guess I had. 

I received such a special surprise in rehearsal today. Working with one of my solos, a very emotional one, we had spent the entire rehearsal breaking apart and reconstructing each moment in accordance to the story we wanted to tell. At the end, my student comes up to me and gives me a hug and says nothing more than "Thank you". For what, I'm not sure. At moments like this I feel like I should be the one giving thanks. Thanks for this amazing opportunity to do what I love. For working with students who take my approach and run with it. For all the amazing people and experiences I've gathered through this art. So... thanks to me are not really necessary. But all I could say was "You're welcome"

Balancing Act

I've been thinking a lot about balance lately. Mainly, balancing one's work and one's life and managing to have a bit of both. I'm not good at it. Actually, that's a major understatement. I'm horrible at it. I have no balance whatsoever. I haven't yet figured out how to manage having a life and keeping up with the work that I love. And yet, I'm actually ok with constantly living in extremes. It's what I'm comfortable with. What I do best most of the time.

That being said I do neglect my friends. Luckily I've surrounded myself with people who are really there when I need them. When I need that friend coffee just to remind me who I am. I had one of those such coffee's this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Set me up for the day just right. Brought me back to that place where I can be confident in myself and what I do. I can stand behind that and stand up for it. MUCH LOVE.

Today was filled with all kinds of dance love. I had a solo rehearsal and she did a run through that was so beautiful I literally had tears in my eyes. It makes my heart ache with such joy when a student brings me to tears. It's rare. But so joyous. To see them living in the moment makes my job so worthwhile.

Two performances tomorrow and there's the pre-performance anxiety creeping up on me again. Time to work this bitch out. It's going to be a great one, and I'm looking forward to it. I just kind of want it to be here already. Seems like we've been doing nothing but rehearsing and thinking about these pieces all week. Which, I guess, we have. Time to let them see the light of day.

"You're actually just insane...."

That was perhaps the most hilarious response I get from a fellow dancer about my schedule for the day. Teach, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, teach, teach, rehearse, rehearse. Tomorrow is sure to be a long day as well. Report, teach, perform, perform. Maybe followed by a collapse. My body is certainly feeling the effects of teaching that many hours that many days straight. And working 13 hour days in general. I'm using A535 like it's a lifestyle. Which, in a way, I guess it is. One of these days I will book an hour full body massage. Oh sweet baby jesus, it makes me feel better just to think it.

I'm currently procrastinating finishing getting ready to meet a friend for coffee. My body really just hurts that much, but it's been a while since I've seen Carlyn and we have so much to catch up on. Mornings like this were made for friend coffee dates. Especially when that coffee is Starbucks. I'm horribly addicted, get used to it. Continuing with the massive overcaffination for yet another day. Probably until at least Monday. I'll keep you posted on that. Since I know it's of dire interest how much caffeine I really consume.

Performance tomorrow! I'm looking forward to it. I like the culmination of a piece. To finally get it on the stage just makes me happy.

Dreaming In Revelry

It always seemed so simple. Almost too simple, really. Such a clear, defined path to follow. Create the work. Set the work. Rehearse the work. Show the work. Repeat as necessary. But now there are so many other things to think about and accomplish. Promote the work. Find new places to show the work. Network to get your work seen. It's a learning curve to take my life outside of the studio. I haven't previously thrown my work out into the world in a setting where dance wasn't the main draw. It's been interesting and ultimately, the response thus far has been encouraging. Enough so that I'll keep doing it. There are a lot more opportunities out there than I previously thought. The possibilities are endless.

This week has been particularly grueling for the simple fact that my body isn't used to this amount of dancing. And hard dancing. Rehearsals for our performance have been going well. Got one tonight and one tomorrow night, our final two rehearsals before show and tell time. It's always such a madcap rush at the end, but it's the adrenaline that makes this shit worthwhile. All the times spent in the studio, it's the anecdote to the anxiety of a piece hitting the stage.

I've been so over-caffeinated these days. Been guzzling more pepsi than anyone has the right to. I'm sure it's doing awful things to my body, and I'm peeing every ten minutes, but oh it's so good. I don't even really feel the effects of caffeine anymore. I know I've gotta stop, but not yet... please not yet IT'S KEEPING ME GOING!

Reminder that there will be no drop in Int/Adv Jazz this Friday. We'll start back March 4th and WERK!