Chew

There seems to be the unspoken question floating around as to how much one person can do at one time. Unfortunately I do not have the option of working on ONE THING at a time. Due to the nature of my work I must do them all simultaneously. Like teaching regular classes, rehearsals for nationals (and other dances that aren't mine due to staffing issues), choreography for the next Ottawa Food Bank Benefit, MY REEL, workshops and possibly a film job. Lots on the plate right now. It has been hard trying to find a balance for it all (if there even is one, we all know i'm not good at balance), but a fun ride nonetheless.
The reel films in just over a week. That kills me. I'm such a mixture of excitement and nerves that I don't even know what to do with myself. Rehearsal time is hard to come by. There's always something else at the studio that needs to be done. A private to be scheduled, a file to make, an email to answer, a number to run, a class to teach. But it will all be over in a few weeks. And then I need to start the next phase.
Which has also had me dealing with the issue of being terrified to have it finished. I was able to ignore this feeling until this past week. What the hell do I do when it's done? You focus on a project for so long (years) and all I could see was to the point of getting it done. I couldn't see beyond that. I couldn't see what I would do with it, where I would send it, what else needs to go with it.... And I'm still not sure. I suppose I'll do whatever comes next. Once I figure out what it is of course.
My personal life has been suffering slightly. Shane is good enough to roll with my hectic schedule but it's me that wishes I could be around a bit more. Im more busy now than I have been all year and summer is supposed to be the easy time! But worth it. All worth it.

In Exchange

   My last two days in the studio have been idyllic. It's a combination of things that amounts to this gift of abundance and joy in a studio. First off, it is the people. It always comes down to who is in that room with you, doing what. I count myself extremely lucky to be working with two young talented dancers. They are so open, so committed to the vision and story to run with it. They are willing to try things. Ready to take a risk, try again if it doesn't work, try again even when it does work. They are willing to try. To push me and to be pushed choreographically and physically. That alone is a gift.
   The other genius of studio time is the quiet. No distractions. No other people milling about, no one lurking and watching the rehearsal to judge what you are attempting to create in there.... Just free open space, we left our judgement and cynicism at the door. And the big part of bliss.... NO MONEY EXCHANGING HANDS WHATSOEVER. It was the free exchange of my time for your time. We come because we want to be here, not because we have to be. Not because there are bills to be paid, tuition to afford, shoes to buy. We come for the art, for the process. To experience the art for what we create with a singular focus, we come. We dance. We live. There is laughter, tears, awkwardness, lightbulb moments, all sorts of moments. Triumphs and tragedies all within a three hour rehearsal session. Who knows what will fly and what won't? We don't until we try. And we try again. And again. Tweak. And try. The key is always to try. For what is success without all the failures that proceed it?

     Because of all this recent joy in rehearsal the reel is set to completion in about a month and a half. For primary filming anyways. I have thrashed, bled, cried, edited and re-edited this down to what it is. Some things have been added, others taken away. I feel it is now on the right track. It feels right. I am more than excited to see it in its entirety, as the finished product. And then the hard part. The sending it out into the world to see if it stands on its own two feet. Like me. To see if I stand on my own two feet.

My Phone Keeps Me Company

Competition #4 and Final starts today! I'm wishing Merde to all our students today as they head into ADA. Very exciting time indeed. And then after that, you'd think we'd all sit down and take a break, but not. We're not. We're gearing right into recital which is a mere two weeks away! Such a close to the season. Amazing to think that it's so close already. How did that happen? Where did the time go?

   Lots of things happening this summer. First off, getting the reel DONE! Heading into final rehearsals next week. I may try to squeeze in an extra piece or two, depending on time and dancer availability. Quite frankly, the more the merrier. I want to get back and create. All this running around at comp and recital prep has left me forgetting that I'm a choreographer, not an administrator. I anxiously await the day where I can pay someone else to administrate my life for me. But until then, I do it all and I'm ok with that. If I screw it up I can't blame anyone but myself. Also happening this summer will be a workshop or two at Dance Roots (very excited). Starting choreography for the next Benefit for the Ottawa Food Bank.
And my last year of TTS! So much going on, I am hoping to fit in a vacation and some quality time with the man. We haven't had much time lately so we live life and entertain each other with draw something.

Back on Track

I've been letting a lot of things slide lately. Between regular teaching, private lessons, competition and all the rest, many things have slid down the priority list. Like laundry. Dishes. General cleaning. I spent all last Monday getting my house back together. It looked as though Hurricane Tressa had blown through it. Which I had. Hastily throwing a meal together after getting home from competition, only to jump in the shower and flop in bed. Then get up before dawn to do it all again. Talk about clutter. 

    I feel more back to normal this week. Busy as the last weeks, but a little calmer about the whole mess. Which is relieving. My entire new way of life had suffered. I reverted back to drinking pepsi all hours of the day. Consistently having a bottle in my hand. Damn you pepsi. Damn you. I ate all the easiest (worst) meals when I got home at night.... I'm back with it now. Bringing real food with me. Ensuring I have water on hand. Basically taking care of myself because who else will? 

  Competition has been going really great. The students are all dancing well, there has been minimal costume catastrophes... And they are just the cutest things in the world. Case in point....See above. 

Couple of the highlights so far, sr. duo/trio overall 1st and 3rd. jr. small group 1st overall, sr large group 1st overall, dance offs. sr solo 1st overall. It's been great thus far. This weekend we head to Toronto (students all ready there, I head down on Saturday) to get our groove on at Rhythm Dance. So continued good luck to all the students and I just can't wait to see how they do. 

Compassion Must Extend To Self

There's a shift happening right now. Not the shift in seasons happening outside (though Spring is whispering through the trees) but more an internal shift. I feel myself becoming more grounded. More settled. It's an odd shift, one I am still assessing my feelings on. But I'm happy. Really, truly Happy. I started doing yoga again. And wondered why on earth I stayed away for so long. I took up baking. Delicious smells fill my new house, I bake, he cooks, we clean. I eat more fruit and vegetables. I am trying to live greener, more consciously. I think I'm just trying to live responsibly. Make a better future for any children I might have and their generation and the generations after.
     Competition is next weekend. I'm hoping my new calm collectiveness will carry me through this traditionally hectic (ok, freaking the fuck out) time of the year. Take it as it comes, costume mishaps, mistakes, spacing hell..... Let it come and let it go. I am very much excited for it. To see my pieces take to the stage, the forum which they are meant to be seen and displayed in. The students have all worked so hard and I look forward to them seeing the fruits of that labor. Learning that you get out what you put in. And they've put in a lot. It's going to be an exciting and emotional few weekends.
     The video for Kay is done! Filmed a few weeks ago on a frigid and late Saturday night. It may have been freezing, and I may have been at work for 14 hours that day, but what an amazing experience. The crew was fantastic, Ian provided an awe inspiring track, what more can a dancer ask for? The muses were with us that night. I can't wait to see and share the final product. Hopefully I can have that on its way shortly. It's going to be a good one!

SO MUCH GOING ON

There's been so much happening lately, and so quickly that I can't keep up. On top of it I've had health issues to contend with, so that certainly doesn't help. First things first. Competition is a super short 6 weeks away! It's insanity at the studio right now, between rehearsals, costume mishaps, formation changes, and general mayhem. And regular classes, getting things ready for recital..... No time to breathe, but it's great.
    Been working hard on the "Kay" video for Ian Keteku. We did show and tell on Monday and I'm happy that he's happy. It's going to be a great project and I'm really looking forward to filming. It's going to be a lot of fun for sure. Work on the reel is coming along, just about finished. I can't to film that one too. I am truly blessed and fortunate to work with such talented and dedicated dancers.
     On top of all this we bought a house! We're very excited to move in and get it all set up and that's going to be a lot of work, but the great kind. It's always exciting to set up a new home and organize everything just the way you like it. And in the middle of all this I'll be turning 26. Talk about a whirlwind birthday.

Kay

    I am so balls to the wall excited for the future. I mean that literally. It is time to go balls to the wall, no fear, no hesitation, no holding back. I am thrilled at the prospect of it. Energized to work, work until I weep from exhaustion, until my body can no longer stand it is so wrecked from hours of rehearsal. Sounds awful, but to me, it is what I live for. To be so consumed by my art. And the opportunity is more than out there. I just walked through the door. A few really exciting projects coming out soon. They are all in the works (I have the aches from rehearsal to prove it) and I can't wait to share all of it with you. More details to come soon and it's going to be one for the books. Tell your friends. It's what I would do.

Don't Keel Over Now... PIPA and Plies

 So here's something I want to get everyone rallied on. The new SOPA/PIPA that congress is trying to get passed. It's causing a huge clusterfuck, and for good reason. It will cripple the internet. Just destroy it. And my friends, if you think it has no bearing on dance, think again. Internet copyright infringement is already affecting us. You want to upload a video on youtube of your dancing? Better make sure you're not using any music. Odds are the track isn't authorized for use. Regardless of not making any money off of it. But they are. They absolutely are making money off of you dancing to that song. What if someone watches your video and decides they love the music, then that person goes and buys it. Money in their pocket. That person then tells their friends about the awesome new song they found. They buy it too. Take that song off the video because it isn't authorized for reproduction? You just cost yourself money Entertainment Industry. Not that you need it.
               Check out this video. It explains all the nitty details about the act and why it needs to be stopped. What it doesn't mention is the US has already sued a 12 YEAR OLD for copyright infringement over a youtube video. I will repeat that. THE US GOVERNMENT SUED A 12 YEAR OLD. A child who has no concept of what copyright infringement even is. Her life is effectively ruined. So check out the video and if you agree with me that this act is ridiculous, sign the petitions, write a congressman or simply pass along the link to others. The best part about this, is I'M NOT AMERICAN. I'm Canadian. And I think it's deplorable that the American Government thinks they have the right to decide how the entire world uses the internet. Like they own it. Here's the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwNWGlOXP6c&feature=related


  Now on to dance related things. Busy these days. Very busy. It is, once again, January which means competition approaches swiftly. There's still so much to do. It will get done. It's my job to get it done. And to inspire these kids to give more than they thought they had.
      I'm also in the midst of work on my choreography reel. It's coming together. I am happy. It's a labor of love, but maddening at times. So it is with joy, determination and a healthy dose of frustration that I go about my daily work. Art can be unforgiving at times. And all those old self-doubts resurface just when I think I'd gotten rid of them. Insecurities have no place here. But I feel the fear and do it anyways, because who among us has any other choice? If we let fear cripple us we would never move forward. I'm ready to move forward and sick, so sick, of standing still.

It's Been Comin For Some Time

A few things I'm loving right now..

-oldies music. Classics like nobodies business. Must. Buy. Record player.
-Blond hair. It's new and I'm not used to it yet but I like it
-Choreo almost being completely finished. Pretty exciting to be able to get into the nitty gritty details of cleaning and making it amazing. Couple more weeks and it should be all completed.
-Exciting projects. More on that, details to come but needless to say I'm stoked and when it comes out man it's going to be something else.

There Was Little We Could Do To Stop The Ice

There is nothing like the first snowfall of the year. It's always struck me as the most magical day of the year for as long as I can remember. So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I woke up this morning to this.

Sincerely, the best morning view I've had since, well, the last first snow of the year. And so by default, today must be a great day. It just can't go any other way. Not with me in this incredible mood. And so it shall be a great day. I have rehearsal first. I get to create in the studio with Luke. It's a new experience as I'm going in to this one without everything prepared and choreographed beforehand. We're playing with discovering movement on the spot and in the moment. We're getting some really great, interesting and certainly unexpected stuff. It's a new experience doing choreography in the moment for me. I usually come in hyper-prepared, as if the world will fall apart and nothing will get done if I don't have the whole thing mapped out from starting pose to ending pose. I am learning that's not the case. The world will keep on spinning and sometimes I might surprise myself in the process.

And that's what it is. A process. I'm still evolving in my process and I find it changes a little more every year. In some ways. But some things will never change I'm finding. Like how I do 90% of my choreography lying down in bed, listening to my Ipod in the dark and 3 in the morning. And those are the things I'm not sure I should change. I'm not sure how much the boyfriend appreciates my 3am replaying of not only a song, but 30 seconds of the same song, but he doesn't complain about it too much. But I am a lot more open to change now. To going in and changing my own work, and being more objective. Knowing when something just won't work and having the courage to take it in a different direction when it doesn't. Ever- evolving.

After rehearsal today I have the customary daily paperwork and such and such, (email overload people) then class and tonight I'm subbing inter/adv jazz so come on out!

Occupy and Other Strange Things

The Occupy movement doesn't make sense to me. I understand what they're protesting against and agree with them. Yes there are many inequalities. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. But when I was reading up on it many of the people in Occupy Ottawa sound rather like... communists. Really that's exactly what they're describing. I think Occupy needs to sit down and figure out not only what they want, but HOW THEY WANT THE CHANGE TO HAPPEN. We all know that these are problems, but unless you come up with a concise solution and what exactly you would like to change, nothing is going to get done. No one can work off such inane suggestions as "we want you to fix the inequality". Well great. But how?

...Reveal themselves one star at a time...

 I must apologize. My absence from here as been much too long. An entire summer long at that. But things have been busy. Very busy. And becoming more so. It's been an amazing past few months and ones I will always treasure. Truly some of the happiest of my life. I completed my second year of ADAPT training (only one more to go!) taught some amazing classes (and took some) assisted the wonderful Tiffany Mclean and fell in love. Quite a stellar cast of characters. Then September rolled around, as it always does too soon. And it was back to WORK, back to real life, back to all the things I love.

  Competition season is in full swing once again. 5 out of 8 solos done, all unique and vital in their own way. Groups taking shape, ideas solidifying into reality. There's little I love more than the beginning of a piece, when it's still just an ephemeral substance in your head. Before it becomes tangible reality and there's still nothing but pure and distinct possibility. The hum in the air at the start of rehearsal. Joyous.


 I'm in the middle of choreography for a benefit concert/talent show happening at the end of November. It's going to be a blast and the ladies I'm working with (though not actually dancers) are willing, intelligent, and oh so much damn fun. And it's all for a great cause, so I would like to take a moment to applaud their excellent community service and sheer balls for getting up on the stage and shaking what their mama may (or may not) have given them.


I am, quite literally, in the middle of shooting a music video for Brandi Disterheft. A Juno winner and Grammy nominee, Brandi is just the sweetest little, giant bass playing chick I've met. Shooting finishes tomorrow, thus far it's been an experience worth remembering. But that's another blog.

This Year, All But Disappeared.

And so a season ends. Recital was great. It's always so exciting to see the kids show off all the skills they learned in the past season. And an emotional one this year at that. Our first grads. Such amazing students and young adults, now going out into this harsh world to fend for themselves. It's hard trusting that they're ready for it. That they're going to be able to know when to be bold and when to hold back and protect themselves. To know that they will inevitably fall down and make mistakes and get their hearts broken. But eventually you have to let them stand on their own. I hope they keep in touch.

After recital I did something I never do.... NOTHING. I actually for the first time in years took the time to take a deliberate rest. A deliberate break away from what I do. I spent time with my friends. More time in the last 2 weeks with them than I had spent this entire year combined. I went to bbqs and hockey games and sat on my porch people watching for hours on end. It was really great and I needed it. I'm now coming back to work refreshed and ready. Bursting with energy. I'm trying this new balance thing and maybe sometimes I think it's working. We'll see how that continues.

So In Love With the Wrong World...

Time to play some catch up. It's been a hectic fucking month. Back to back competitions, moving day, teaching regular classes, recital prep... Time is not something I have in large supply. That being said, the summer is gearing up to be something special. I'm not going to give away all the details yet, suffice to say there is big shit ahead. In the good way. I can tell you some things though.

-Competitive summer program! 10 weeks, for not only our regular comp students, but also we have a BRAND NEW JUNIOR SUMMER PROGRAM. Jazz and ballet, for the wee ones. They are the future after all and these students are so very talented. So much to do with them!.

-Summer camps July 11-29, three different weeks you can attend. My teaching will be sporadic (few days a week at each camp) as I am....

-In Toronto for my 2nd year ADAPT training from July 13-20 (I will be back for classes the evening of the 20th so don't fear). And then I am....

-In NEW YORK FUCKING CITY for the Dance Teacher Summit!!! From July 29-31 I will be doing nothing but taking class with the best faculty in the world, attending seminars, buying too much from vendors, and watching the ACE awards. Consider me a lucky and stoked girl.

On top of all this, I am looking forward to teaching my regular drop in classes (check the website for full schedule, let you know which ones I'm teaching when I do). I'm also getting my own training kicked up a notch, taking some private lessons, actually having the time to work on myself a little bit, which I'm really looking forward to. It's going to be great to focus on my own stuff for a while. I'm realizing that sometimes you need to take a step back and take care of yourself. I can't neglect that any longer. It's starting to wear me down just a little bit. So  I won't anymore. There are too many people willing to help me get where I want to be and too many who believe in what I do to not, you know, do it.

Feel the Fire Burning

   3 days until competition! More rhinestones, more sewing, last minute disasters and triumphs. I'm really looking forward to it all. It's going to be interesting and extremely nerve-wracking to see if my risks pay off. Fingers and toes are crossed.

   I never thought that it could be so simple. That all I would have to do is ask to have someone say sure, no problem, I can help you. I can point you to the right people. I'm breathless to see where this might take me. Could be anywhere. I can't wait to find out.

Ok Repeat After Me... I'm Gonna Be Free.....

Just came across this song... and died a happy death. I needed to hear this so I pass along the lyrics to you.

If you really love me, then let's make a vow
Right here together, right now
Ok? ok
Alright, repeat after me
I'm gonna be free
And I'm gonna be brave
Good?
I'm gonna live each day as if it were my last
Oh that's good. You like that? Yeah, Say it
Fantastically,
Courageously,
With Grace
And in the dark of the night,
and it does get dark
When I call a name it'll be your name
Whats your name?
Never mind, let's go, say it, let's go
Everywhere, even though, we're scared
Cause it's life and it's happening
It's really really happening
Right Now


I have found myself surrounded by some of the greatest people during these last few days of devestation and adversity. People rally behind me. They believe  in me. And I have finally learned the fine art of finding a phoenix to rise from the ashes. God forbid one shine so bright. There is always more opportunity. And I'm ready to take it. Because it's there. It's ready for me if I'm ready to walk through the door. And I am. And I will. With Grace.

Thanks?

If I EVER get sandbagged like that again....

To Do?

This is what my to do list looks like.....

1- Finish/hand in rest of my work for Adapt (update- just did this)
2- Finish headpiece for solo costume. Time to plug in that glue gun
3-Go to bank
4-Get boxes and packing tape
5-Pack my life into said boxes
6-Class plans for while I'm away at competition
7-Teach, teach, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse
8-Sew elastics onto costume prop
9-Sleep?? Should I bother trying to put that on here??

Um... I think that's everything. I fervently hope that's everything because if I forgot something it will clearly not ever get done. Which would be bad because Everything Needs to Get Done. I feel better for simply having written that stuff down though.

And now, time for AN APPEAL TO THE VOTING MASSES! Now, I am well aware that my generation is apathetic about voting. You feel your vote won't change anything. Or you're ill informed about politics and don't know who to vote for. Well, I'm here to help. Your vote DOES MATTER. If you're not happy with the current state of things, there's a lot you can do to show your unhappiness besides not voting. Because what happens when we don't vote? The government that gets in power is not a true representation of what the country wants. So here's what you can do. Get yourself informed. Here are links to every party's website. Read their platform. See where you stand. Or go to CBC Vote Compass which asks a series of questions about where you stand on certain issues and flat out tells you which party you most align with.

www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canadavotes2011/votecompasswww.conservative.ca
www.liberal.ca
www.ndp.ca
www.blocquebecois.org
www.greenparty.ca

A few more things before I wrap this up. If you're still unsure of who you want to vote for, or don't care to take the time to get informed, there is one more thing you can do instead of not voting. DISCOUNT YOUR BALLOT!. Go, vote, and check off more than one party. Vote for every single person on that ballot. That renders it useless, but you've shown up so you can be counted as having voted. That sends a much clearer message to the powers that be in Canada than simply not showing up. It's time to stop being apathetic about the state of our country. Because let's face it. This generation is no longer the future. We're having kids. Getting married. We have jobs. We buy houses. We pay taxes. Our kids are now the future. Which makes us the present. And makes us accountable and responsible in a way that we weren't when we thought of ourselves as the future generation. Time to be in the present. VOTE!  One more thing.... May 2nd not convenient for you to vote? It isn't for me either. Go to www.elections.ca to find out where to vote, how to vote, and when your advance polls are. It's time for change Canada and it starts with us.

This State of Emergency

They say April showers bring May flowers. In my world it's more like April showers bring COMPETITION SEASON. I'm currently gearing up for stage rehearsal and all things comp. This includes the tedious tasks of tweaking music cuts, making cds of said tweaked music, creating makeup face charts, compiling lists of the cosmetics needed to do what is on said face chart, rhinestoning (endless stoning, only to be done in the company of fellow teachers with copious amounts of wine), make up trials for those pieces that require over and above the usual, still more rehearsals and regular classes, worrying about costumes that won't be finished on time... The list of "things to fucking do" is endless. And there will always be more to do, some last lurking task that remains hidden until it's "HOLY FUCK WE FORGOT TO DO THIS WE HAVE TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!'

  We have stage rehearsal on Saturday and stage rehearsal always fills me with excitement and dread in equal measure. Excitement since it's all coming together and it gives me a chance to see my work from a distance and get an idea of what it's actually going to look like. Dread because spacing is always a disaster and dancing in costumes for the first time can be tricky. Particularly my group that actually uses their skirts... it will be their first time doing so. I get the distinct feeling it's going to be scary. But then again we have another two weeks after that to do even more rehearsal. It will be ok. Yes that is the sound of me trying to convince myself more than anyone.

  On Monday there was a freak power outage at the studio. After calming the kids down, we had a lovely time dancing in the pitch black studio, with nothing but cell phone and candle light. It was very earth hour of us. When the power came back on however, so did the heat.... in full force. And they are unable to shut it off. So the studio is like a steam bath. Akin to dancing in a sauna. I'm now sweating by the time my warm up has hit  "and stretch forward...". Keep in mind I'm about 8 counts into the warm up at this point. But sweating is good for us. There are definitely no toxins left in my body. I don't see how there could be.

Between Notes and Thoughts On Words

Consider this one a two-parter.... We'll get the "business" out of the way first.

PART 1

  It's Bryan's last day on contract on Friday. Therefor, he goes back to Hamilton. There will no longer be any sleeping presence in our living room that I skulk around and knock into things whilst trying to go about my midnight smoke breaks in a quiet fashion. Kind of a shame. In fact, we'll all be moving on soon. Only one month left living in this house. It's a sad time indeed. We've built a little family here at the Glenhaven house. And I firmly believe more in the family that you choose for yourself than the one you were born into. We construct our families as we get older. By choice. By common belief. By love. I will deeply miss our family dinners here. I hope we can still get together and do them once a month, like a book club kind of deal. Speaking of, I should really join a book club.

  My clusterfuck of a schedule got in the way today. A student asked me if I wanted to come see his school's musical next week. He did the choreography and he's proud of what he's done. I'd love to go support him, but I work every single night that the show is on and will unfortunately have to miss it. As the words came out of my mouth I could see his once happy face morph into abject disappointment. He looked like a kicked puppy. I wanted so badly to be able to take it back and say I would be there to support him. But I can't. Sometimes I wish my life allowed for a little more wiggle room. I'll have to find a way to make it up to him somehow. It seems my existence is bent on making it up to people when I can't be there because of work.

  I went to hot yoga this morning. I can't help it, hot yoga always makes me think of sex and sexual energy. Don't ask me why, because I can't explain it. It's a fleeting thought, leaves as soon as it alights in my brain, but it always pops up during a hot yoga class. Weird. Maybe it's all the sweat and open legs...? Regardless, it was a great class. I'm not sure why I haven't been in so long. I miss yoga. I wish every single day started with yoga class.

   Oh, I have a date on Saturday night. Oh yes I found time. Intriguing man, but I truly believe that if someone is interested they should just tell you because I cannot read the innuendos. Just in case you might ever date me, you should know this.

LAST BIT OF BUSINESS, which I realize I should have done first. NEW VID FROM CLASS! It's been a long time since I put up a new video, figured I was overdue. This was a special combo for me. Also a special class since Jolene stayed to take it. View it here. COMMENTS GREATLY APPRECIATED!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lVZoPD2ZRY


PART 2

Thoughts on words...


      I don't believe in words. I can't see them. They are not tangible. They hold no substance. In a society where we can say anything we want and never have to back it up, actions are all that count. It is often too easy to simply say it, but a whole different world to mean it, and follow through. I want to be someone who follows through. Who can have conviction in what I impart to others. To show up. Physically and emotionally and be present. Not just verbally. But fully present. I think that's all we can ask for from this life. To be present and accountable, a person with merit and weight. I'm trying to measure my words now so that I can balance the scale with action later. Tedious perhaps, but a necessity. I feel a responsibility and a gravity (even urgency) in everything I do now. I am weighted. I speak only to be spoken to and divide nothing in my heart. I am, for once, whole.